Friday, December 4, 2009

Go shorty, it's yo birfday

Today I turn the big 2-7, an age at which it is not completely unreasonable to buy a house, get married and/or hatch offspring. Will I be doing any of these in the near future? Absolutely not, but the point is I could if I wanted to.

Since I am physically unable to make a post that's only text here is, hands down, the best birthday song in the whole wide world:

I, too, hope I get better than my heart desires and my first kiss from a boy. :)

Bravely I step towards my 3rd decade on this planet. So long, mid-20's. Hello upper 20's!

Monday, November 30, 2009

Totally Looks Like

I super love the blog Totally Looks Like, a blog that shows celebrities/inanimate objects/cartoon characters/etc. that totally look like one another. I'd like to submit one of my own:

Flava Flav totally looks like................

...............................a gremlin

The Netherlands - Favorite Pic

There aren't many healthful, wholesome activities to do in Amsterdam. Jogging? Cobblestones are death to your ankles. Biking? Asking for a traffic accident. Not altering your conscienceness? Lame.

So what better way to piss away an afternoon than seeing how beer is made at the Heineken Experience? When it's raining cats and dogs any indoor activity sounds attractive. One that gives you beer with the price of admission - even moreso.

Included in your admission price ($22.50 USD by the way, wildly overpriced) you get access to this fancy little kiosk that lets you take pictures or videos and email them to people. For free! Tourist crap like this is never free! So, I call SCORE, and best pic of the trip.

I like this picture because because for ONCE Martin's not holding the camera himself and concentrating so hard on focusing it that a few chromsomes fall out his butt. He looks cute and nerdy. Just the way I like him.

Plus, there's a windmill, and I can pull off ruffles. That's a double SCORE!

Memory Lane Monday #10

I'm going to divert from my regular MLM format and treat you to a little something that, while still musical, is really a trip down late night TV memory lane (only THE BEST KIND EVER).

Blu Blockers rap by MC Dr. Geek

TELL ME I am not the only one who remembers this infomercial from the 90's! There are several things awesome about this video:

1) A sweet rap
2) A phat pair of specs
3) The uncertainty if this was planned in advance or if it's true free style
4) That boombox (or is it boom box?)
5) That HAT!

Coincidence much?

I think not.

I can't seem to find a date on this video. My best guess would be 1994. Originally I was surprised that THIS was the best tactic they could come up with to sell sunglasses on late night TV (a crappy venue in itself, were there no Sunglass Huts 15 years ago?). In 1994 Nelson Mandela became the president of South Africa (the good), Tonya Harding went on a knee bashing spree (the bad), and Michael Jackson married a chick (the ugly). Times were not as they are today. They were cookier than Cocoa Puffs. And that's not even mentioning OJ "Murder McMurderson" Simpson.

Was this guy actually walking down Venice Beach looking like that? Seriously? Pauly Shore dressed more appropriately than this, and he worse ass-less chaps!

Monday, November 23, 2009

Memory Lane Monday #9

It's been a while for the MLM, hasn't it? An embaressing while - sorry about that, my bad. But I have plenty of new inspiration from the most exciting thing to hit my life in months (years?):

I can't really put into words how I feel about this Fox (funny Fox, not dipshit psycho Fox - there's a big diff) show. It's like my-hatred-of-the-world meets a musical. And need I repeat my wish for my life to turn into an around the clock musical? I think not.

Plus, in true Hollywood style of "25 year old teenagers and 35-year old parents" (direct Jack McFarland quote) I have found the love of my life:

I'd let this Canadian man child teen impregnant me any day, even though I'm well past the possibility of that happening (as is he).

Glee is not all delightful snark and singing, though. Glee has had me crying like a b!tch on more than one occasion (ususally wine fueled, I must admit). Particularly when Kurt (I LOVE KURT) came out of the closet to his rough-and-tough single dad and Sue visited her sister with Downs Syndrome.

Holy, am I off track here. This reads more like a love letter to Glee than a proper MLM. Let's get to the tunes, the most recently aired song on my fave show ever:

"Lean on Me" by Club Nouveau

Love. This. Song. I was thrilled to hear it on Glee (even though I am so over the story line it centers around). I'd like to dedicate this song to my guuuurl Sara "Chuckles" Cook. Holla atcha boy, girl. Make sure that fridge is strapped in nice and tight. (Apologies for the inside joke)

One last Glee-related note: Does anybody else recognize Kurt's dad, Mike O'Malley, from the old Nickelodean show Guts? Because I totally do. And that makes me awesome.

Spain - Favorite Pic

If you ever have a week to kill in Spain and you're a native English speaker, do I have the job for you: Pueblo Ingles.

Pueblo Ingles is a program where 20 native English speakers (called Anglos) and 20 Spaniards (called, um, Spaniards) get together for 1 week of sweet, unadulterated English speakin'.

Spaniards, as a whole, speak much less English than the Norway folk. So in order to improve their skills they are mercilessly isolated together with people who don't speak Spanish so they're forced to rely on English. Or as I like to call it, the greatest language in the world whybotherlearninganythingelse?

The best part for me was all the (admittedly shitty) red wine you could drink. For free. Starting at 2 p.m. Whoever said wine was the "classy" beverage choice ain't never seen me pour 2.5 bottles down my throat - over lunch.

Nay, the best part was meeting new people - I did this entirely on my own - drinking and "having a laugh". I picked up a lot of British terminology there. I love those Brits! But I will save my love letter to them for another day.

And, God love my frugal ways, the entire week was free. Crappy wine (red only) and all. I just had to get myself from Point A (currently Norway) to Madrid and house myself there for 2 nights. I highly recommend you look into this program if you're serious about chilling for a week for free in the gorgeous Spanish countryside, and meeting some seriously awesome people.

Now on to my favorite picture. The location of my program was a few minutes walk from the village of La Alberca in the region of Salamanca. We took a day trip into town to see the sights and, like, learn stuff and stuff. This is one of the things we learned about:

This big, smelly-ass pig lives on the streets of the town! And it lives off the generosity of the townspeople to feed it. At the end of the year, back in the day, they would give it to the poorest family in town. Nowadays they raffle it off, as I don't suppose any family would be too keen on being dubbed "the poorest in town".

When I said "smelly-ass" I was not being facetious, nor trying to be funny or cute. He smelled. His ass smelled. To be literal, as my adorable new British friend said upon seeing the copious amounts of feces caked to his backside, "he shat himself!".

......and I'm back

So...awkward pause...watcha been up to the past 16 weeks? Not blogging? What a concidence, me too! Let's skip the excuses, I will just break it down to a quick 3-part explination:

1. Start of school year, busiest work time of year
2. Grandmother died, surprise trip to USA only 6 weeks after last visit
3. Got lazy

Now we're nearly at Thanksgving break and I'm just now getting off my lazy arse and back into blogging. I hope you have found alternate means of self deprecating entertainment in my absence.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

USA - Favorite Pic

Quite possibly the classiest picture in the whole bunch, I present to you my favorite photo from my recent visit home. It shall be titled The Essence of a State Fair. I didn't realize how perfect this picture is, in that it says "A State Fair" in the background. Perfection.

I am an unabashed lover of the North Dakota State Fair. The deep fried foods, the real lemonade, the stench of farm animals (which doesn't really bother me), the fat ladies in tube tops. I love it all. Love it! I've only missed 2 years of the fair in my whole life, if memory serves me correct, once when I was 15 and last year. I grew up there.

The highlight for me (can coozies aside) was "people watching bingo", where you crossed off a square whenever you found someone/something they had listed. For example:

-Someone with a mullet (variations such as she-mullet and mexi-mullet accepted)
-Camel toe and/or moose knuckle
-Horribly obese child eating
-Fat white mom with black baby
-Carnie missing 1 or more fingers (this was surprisingly difficult to find; they might as well rename the Free square 'carnie missing 1 or more teeth')

And the list goes on. I can wait while you go rinse out your mouth after throwing up in your mouth a little.

You're back? Ok, good. Despite the horrors I saw I did win 1 out of 2 games. And saw a lot of super classy North Dakotans. Love the NDSF - it's beyond compare!

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Social Studies Lesson

Since 90% of what I do on this blog is yap about Norway I thought I'd give y'all a little background on the place with a professional Social Studies lesson:

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Tilbake i Norge

For all you mono-linguals out there -since I'm sooo super fluent - you wll be happy to learn I am back in the motherland. Motherland of lefse and lutefisk, but tragically not uff da tacos (also known as indian tacos, see Appendix 1). It took a lot of effort to get through my binge eating tour of the upper Midwest but by golly with my strong American work ethic I made that happen.

Awkward segue: Speaking of work ethics, I heard a super disturbing statistic on NPR about aforementioned motherland. 11% of the working age population is out on disability. Eleven percent. Why can't I get my MSN "WTF face" on here? I'll have to visualize it for you. Here, it's something like this:

11% is a lot, yo. So who's actually working to pay the taxes to fund these leisurely adulthoods and year long maternity leaves? I don't really feel like I'm being taxed up the proverbial wazoo, maybe because all taxes paid are "out of sight, out of mind" to me. Imagine there are 89 workers in Norway to support 11 people "on disability". (I am using that term very lightly, as we all know 80% + are absolute B.S.) Not to mention those 89 people support the pension system, and universal health care, the super fabulous train system (note: sarcasm) and all the other seriously kick ass social perks of living in Norway. 'Tis interesting.

I should mention I have zero idea what percentage of the working age American population is out on disability. Even with the sheer difference in size (350 mil vs. 4.5 mil) I bet it ain't no 11%.

I should make a shout out to my lover National Public Radio for bringing me this statistic. Love them. Pink puffy heart love them, and a side shout out to Minnesota Public Radio for being awesome and being in awesome Minnesota. If you're interested here's the story I got this from:

And major props to Norway for saving/investing their oil money instead of blowing it when it was first discovered. Had America discovered such riches in the 60's you know it'd all have been spent on hookers and blow by now. My American brethren can learn from you, my norse friends. But the ramifications ("oil-for-leisure program") might be biting the ass of an entire generation who have never wanted for anything. 'Tis another interesting thought.

Appendix 1:
Uff da taco
Indian taco
Fry bread taco
Taco especial

Sunday, July 5, 2009

What Happened Here?

Did I...

A. Decide to end it all but chicken out many, many times?

B. Get attacked by a rabid pack of puny cats?

C. Have an unpleasant end to a rock cliff-to-boat transition?

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Super Freaky - Update

Unsolved Mysteries has been on TV a lot lately and, while scaring the bejesus out of me, my favorite favorite favorite episodes are the ones with updates where years later they solve the mystery. So Robert Stack's monotone voice has convinced me to offer you an update on my mother's super creepy head cut-out.

As I suspected it came from my mom's retirement party. When I was talking to my dad on the phone for Old Man's Day I inquired about it and he had totally forgotten that he sent it. When I described it enough for him to remember sent me the horrifying explanation of where it came from:

T-shirts were made and corresponding head photos were placed atop the shirts, ever so fashionably. From left to right: Mrs. Abrahamson ("Mrs. Abey-canabey" - love that woman!), my ma, Mrs. Longtin, Mrs. Lacoste and Mrs. Patton.

Only in my nightmares can I imagine what happened to the 4 other heads. Can I just say, for all you Walhalla people out there, what I would give to own that Mrs. Lacoste head?! That woman has been scaring the pants off children since literally the 1940's. Perhaps we could line her chicken coops with it? She might like that.

I have decided how to dispose of my head. I'm bringing it back home to mommy and letting her get rid of it. Dad said she had it in the garbage before he retrieved it and, uhh, "gifted" it to me. So I'll let her do the dirty deed and wash my hands of it!

Parenting - Am I Ready?

Every fiber of my being screams "Sweet mother of Christ, NO!" but this little fella...

...makes me wonder.

Memory Lane Monday #8

Nobody will notice this wasn't done on Monday, right? But it's harder to conceal the fact that I haven't done a MLM in a super long time. I think with the recent sad events an MJ MLM is inevitable. With no introduction needed, I bring you this weeks selection:

Black or White by Michael Jackson

(Sorry I've only got a link for you. Some asshat has gone and disabled all the embed codes for all Michael Jackson videos.)

The beginning of this video is cut off, as it doesn't show the Cheers guy screaming at Macaulay Culkin to "turn that racket down". This video is star studded! More on that in a minute...

This is the first Michael Jackson song I ever remember hearing. I didn't have older siblings to show me the way and my parents weren't big into popular music, so I had to stumble onto Michael on my own time. Coming from Wonder Bread-white North Dakota this was a bit of a cultural experience for me. Africans! Indians (dot and feather)! Russians! Oh my.

I really love the part of the song where Macaulay Culkin raps about racial equality. It's dripping with early 90's bad taste and, coupled with the urban backdrop, reminds me of the highlight of my youth: Ghostwriter. Am I right?


Another favorite of mine is how a fat Asian dude turns into Tyra Banks. Do you think when Michael cast this video he knew the pretty little runway model would turn into the world's biggest egocentric, inflated-sense-of-self bizzo the world has ever seen?

Yikes. That rabid ego (and super shitty/random favorite playing) turned me off of my beloved ANTM.

In closing, the world has lost a fine musician. Sure, he was, shall we say, eccentric, but being different never impeded anyones ability to kick ass. If you were forced into stardom at the age of 6 you'd be strange, too, I'm willing to bet. I'm just mad I'll never get to go to one of his concerts. I am not a concert goer but that's one of the very, very few I'd attend, much less pay for. My opportunity is now gone. :(

And Mr. Jackson's rags-to-riches story is the reason I so dearly love my homeland of USA. Where else could a poor black boy grow up to be a rich white woman?


Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Go Away!

I bet I'm one of the few non-albino people on Earth who really dislikes the sun. What has it ever done for mankind? Give us skin cancer, get in our eyes when we're driving, make us sweaty, the list could go on. I'll casually ignore the fact that its existence allows us to live on this planet and state a widely held human belief: The sun has no business being up at 3 a.m. Yet here in the "land of the midnight sun" it's visible pretty much 24 hours per day at this time of year...which I give two thumbs down!

This photo was taken about midnight. I speak on behalf of sleep lovers the world over, please Mr. Sun, just go away between the hours of 11 p.m. and 6 a.m. and let my natural sleep cycle go unmolested by your always-in-your-face presence.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Super Freaky

Warning: What I'm about to show you is seriously disturbing and may not be appropriate for all audiences. I'm warning you. It's pretty disturbing.

It is a life sized cut out of a close-up of my mothers face. Let me repeat that: a life sized cut out of a close-up of my mothers face. What. The. Hell.

My dad sent me my monthly stack of Walhalla Mountaineers and in between the papers was this seriously creepy life sized cut out of a close-up of my mothers face! In broad daylight it freaked me the hell out.

I was home alone at the time (adding to the creepy-ness) so I thought to myself, "hmm, how best to show Martin the new portrait of my mom?" And an evil idea popped into my head...

Behold, what Martin woke up to this morning (sans glasses):

Shower ConBon! I knew this would freak him out, as it did to me! I was expecting him to scream but he kept his hair-whitening fear silent. But it did scare him, as evidenced by the note he left on the back of it:

Very funny.
I almost shit my shorts!
-Love you

It's pretty big of him to still love me after that (hilarious, I might add) stunt I pulled on him. Imagine finding this thing in the shower (a very vulnerable place, as Psycho taught us) mere seconds after you've woken up?! *shutter*

This thing seriously gives me the heebie jeebies and I don't know why. I'm guessing my dad got it from a display at my mom's retirement party. And for some reason thought I needed it.

But what do I do with it? I can't throw it's my mother for crying out loud! I'm taking suggestions of what should be done with the ConBon close-up. Ehh...donate it to charity, maybe?

May The Force Be With You

I've always thought my absolute #1 dream job would be a regular cast member on Saturday Night Live. But after rewatching this for roughly the 40th time I'm amending that a little. I desperately want to be an "insult comic", like this little mutt Triumph.

I have been an avid (rabid?) Conan fan since about 1997. Like, publicly-celebrating-his-birthday rabid. Yikes. So I remember seeing this tasty gem when it first broadcast in the early 00's, and am proud to admit I rewatch it a few times per year just to keep the magic alive. It is that good.

If you have never seen this before shame on you. Here is the greatest Conan sketch (possibly the greatest few minutes of TV) of all time in 2 parts:

Here are a few of my favorite tidbits from that sketch:

"These are lonely men, who have never had sex. Not even with a Catholic priest."

"What are the Jedi knight principles?" *hears responses* "And to eat a lot of peanut M&M's"

To pregnant woman: "Wow. That's the last time he'll ever see female genitalia."

And tied for my favorite:

Spoken to the Lord of the Ring nerd, Blackworth the Drrragon Master, "And don't you forget to finish your Filet-o-Fish."

Spoken to Darth Vader himself, "Which of these buttons calls your parents to pick you up?"

There aren't even words for how freaking hilarious that was. Conan, I bow down before thee. If you're ever in the market for an insult comic, please, hire me!

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Berlin, Germany - Favorite Pic

I'm no history buff but I know important monuments when I see them. This is me with the teeny tiny part of what's still standing of the Berlin Wall. Can you believe people would get shot for trying to cross this wall and get out of the Commie infested east side of Berlin? My motto: The hallmark of a crappy place is when they shoot you if you try to leave. That is a level of suck unknown to most Americans. Thankfully!

Not going to lie, I like this pic so much because I look pretty skinny (by my standards) in it. Ladies, regardless of your size, skinny jeans are your friend. Love them!

To sum up Berlin in 4 words: Texans, Humid, Technologically Unadvanced. Not sure if unadvanced is even a word (my word making up has increased 100-fold in the past few weeks) but it's fitting here. I'm glad I went, though. This place was ground zero during WWII (well, besides Hiroshima and Nagasaki, but I'm not being literal). So much history!

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Eurovision Song Contest

Here's a tasty little tidbit that Americans are seriously getting shafted by missing: The Eurovision Song Contest. Country vs. country going head to head via song and dance. Loving it!

Last night was the finale, and up until then I was a Eurovision virgin. And I must be a good luck charm, because last night Norway won (woot woot)! You know when you're a kid (oh hell, to this day even) when your state makes it into the top 10 at the Miss America pagent? Well, Eurovision feels kind of like that. Except the people voting for the winner aren't washed up pseudo celebrities, they are your competition (the other countries)!

In honor of my new yearly ritual, I will count the top 4 best and worst songs in the finale. There were 25 total. And picking 5 of each wasy far too much work for my sloth self. Let's start with best (starting at numero uno):

#1 Norway

Yes, I'm biased. But myself and every other country in Europe (plus a few random ones in the Middle East) cannot be wrong. Alexander Rybak is adorable! And he can play the fiddle! Winner winner chicken dinner.

#2 Malta

Can anybody even tell me where Malta freaking is? Because I have no idea. But homegirl can sing! And homegirl has got meat on her bones, which is refreshing to see. She's got such a voice, and this song totally could be on the next Disney soundtrack. Do they even do that anymore what with Pixar taking over the world?

#3 Iceland

Again, I'm biased. I have Icelandic heritage and I feel so bad for the Icelandic people and their toilet-esque economy. Also the winner of the contest gets to host next years competition, and I know Iceland could use every tourist nickle they can get. But this girl can sing and picked a beautiful song. I vote her and Alexander Rybak get together and make beautiful Nordic babies. Hot hot hot!

#4 Estonia

I think rule #1 of Eurovision is to, as I say on an almost daily basis, speak freaking English. Yes, you've got a nifty language of your very own and you're proud of it. But 98.9% of the world can't understand a word you say! And I think that's what screwed poor Estonia. This song is haunting yet funky and seriously cool...but it's in Estonian. Raise your hand if you understand Estonian. Exactly.

We've seen the good, now let's move on to the bad and the ugly all rolled up into one. I realize Eurovision is a celebration of Euro-camp and flamboyant show off-ery but my God, people, have some dignity. These songs would make me ashamed to live in your country! Maybe even visit. I might cross these off my list of places to go before I die, just to punish them for making me listen to their craptacular music. In order from 4th suckiest to 1st suckiest we start with:

#4 Romania

No, sister, you like to suck like nobody. Repetative, silly Tinkerbell costumes, all around terrible. And thanks for the repeated near crotch flashes. More on those later.

#3 Greece

So I knew Greece doesn't always have the highest standards but umm, what is up with this guy?! The song itself could be worse, it's really a non-entity for me, but I think we have found the first male nip slip in the history of nudity. I want to know where Greece found this over-Botoxed, tanning-bed-living-in freak. He's icky.

#2 Turkey

Warning: This is not PG rated. There is near cooter shots every other second on this one. Not to mention the "tuk tuk tuk" pelvis thrusts. Correct me if I'm wrong but many women in Turkey wear traditional Muslim coverings, right? I'm as liberal as they come and this makes me blush. I bet this video was banned as porn in half the countries of the world. If not they should ban it for sucking.

#1 Finland

I can only sum this song up with a loud and clear "WTF". Apparently old Finnish white dude needs to be told that the Eminem look can't be pulled off by...old Finnish white dudes. There are burning garbage cans, there are 1980's hookers, there are flaming batons. Everything about this song is an absolute, vomit inducing, smeared-on-the-walls disaster.

So there you have the best and worst of Eurovision 2009. Since Norway won this year (we're #1! we're #1! we're #1!) we get to host it next year. And I will do anything to get my hands on tickets to the finale!

Saturday, May 16, 2009

I Want That!

Tomorrow is the 17th of May, Norway's version of 4th of July (kind of). At the very least it's the day when everybody is patriotic and uber proud to be Norwegian.

I have 2 beefs with this years celebration:

1) It is on a Sunday this year. No day off work or Norwegian class. BOO!

2) I do not have one of these:

This is a bunad. And it is pimp. They're really old timey and traditional but so, so beautiful. And expensive. People wear bunads at dressy events like weddings, Christmas or on the 17th of May. So I feel like a fish out of water without one of these things!

The cool thing about them is each county in Norway has their own. So you get the bunad design where you come from. Some, in my humble opinion, scream working class. But others are really beautiful, with embroidery and silver jewelry. I especially love the male ones:

How freaking cool are those socks?! And that hat. Love!

Since I'm not really from Norway (*ahem* proud to be an American *ahem*) I see a few options for bunad purchasing in my future, if I so choose to. I could get an Østfold one, which is where I live now. Or an Oslo one, where Martin was born. Or I could put on my genealogical researching panties and figure out where my ancestors came from (but 2 of 4 grandparents families came from Norway -which to choose?).

We're going to Oslo tomorrow to see the royal family (who I am, for the record, highly unimpressed with) and enjoy the national day in the capital city. I've got to sit out of the bunad wearing this year :( but next year, who knows! Maybe I'll spend several thousand dollars on an outfit that is worn a few times per year!

P.S. I will post pics of the billions of beautiful bunads floating around Oslo!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Which Sucks Less #1

Memory Lane Monday is starting to feel like a chore every week and I don't want it to turn into that. I'll save that sort of do-I-have-to?! miserable drudgery for marriage and parenting. In the meantime I want to spice things up a bit for myself and for your enjoyment.

People often say I have nothing but bad things to say about Norway. What these people don't realize is that I have nothing but bad things to say about everything. So they don't know me very well. I have lots of stuff - good and bad - to say about both America and Norway.

So I'm going to start a little segment I like to call Which Sucks Less? which compares the good old US of A with Norway to see which country sucks less, and is worthy of my presence for the next, give or take, 65 years. In practice this will be a segment where I rave about things that are vastly superior in one country over the other.

Which Sucks Less #1 - Hotel Breakfasts

Winner: Norway (and Scandinavia in general)

I have one word for you people - meatballs. Meatballs on a breakfast buffet! I have found my people. I have enjoyed hotel breakfast buffets in Norway, Sweden and Denmark and let me tell you, included in the price of your room is absolute heaven. We're talking quiche, excellent bread, cheese and jam (fabulous trio combo, for my American friends who have never heard of it), and meatballs, people! You wouldn't think they're great breakfast food but take it from somebody who knows food: meatballs for breakfast are absolute heaven.

Here's one small fraction of what you will get on your breakfast buffet if you visit Scandinavia:

And I mean just a fraction. Replace all that fruit with meatballs and sausages. That's a taste of Scandinavia right there. Kjempe digg, if I do say so myself.

One note, though: Norway could do with a lesson in muffin making. Hey, this place ain't perfect. Which is what I hope to illustrate with my new segment. No matter where I live there are ups and there are downs. There are yays and nays. But in the end, one must suck less!

Norway: 1
America: 0

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Memory Lane Monday #8

MLM has morphed into MLT due to my obscene laziness. Apologies. But I think this one is worth the wait.

Today is Cinco de Mayo, when Mexicans the world over celebrate something or another, and Americans, um, America over feel it's appropriate to get blitzed even though they haven't a drop of Mexican blood in them.

So Cinco de Mayo got me thinking about Mexico and Mexicans and women who look 20 when they are 40 (they do not age - I swear!) and the Spanish language. Which brings me to my song:

"Macarena" by Los del Río

Oh the times I had dancing to this in junior high! And oh the lyrics I did not understand! I'm convinced this started as 2 songs, one with the pretty girls dancing and singing in English and another with these old dudes singing in Spanish. Put them together, though, and it is mid-90's magic!

A quick Wiki search tells me this song was first recorded in 1992, way before I was of junior high rug cutting age. So clearly it had a (much deserved) long shelf life. For future reference: Playing this at a prom is acceptable; a wedding dance is not.

So tonight I dine on tacos in honor of USA's swine flu-inventing neighbors to the south, Me-he-co, while listening to what might just be the greatest one hit wonder of all time. Until next time I bid you adiós!

P.S. Shout out to Mrs. Bata, my Pierce Brosnan-lovin' high school Spanish teacher, whose efforts on me have entirely been wasted by my studying Norwegian, a language .00000001% as useful to know. Seriously, I had to really think what "goodbye" in Spanish was!

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Weird Business

Remind me to stay out of the furniture business. The commercials are...unsettling. Which is weirder?

Option A:

Option B:

A is catchier, I'll give it that, but B does so much for race relations in America ("And Hispanic people, too!").

Let's get a little poll going. Provided you couldn't make it on to Price is Right to score yourself a free dinette set where would you rather buy one for yourself? Flea Market Montgomery or The Red House?

Monday, April 27, 2009

Memory Lane Monday #7

So this is a total cop out, I admit it, but I've been making up for lost time by blogging like a maniac and my creativity is pretty much dried up. I think this MLM would be appropriate anywhere, anytime, and I don't feel bad that I just posted this song a few days ago:

Theme song to The Golden Girls

Come to think of it I have no idea who sings this song. Whoever it is, I hope they earned a Grammy for it. And an Emmy and Oscar and Cable Ace award and whatever the bloody hell else awards are given nowadays.

Here is the description of the video from YouTube, which I found accurate and amusing:

About an old sicialian, a high school english teacher, a nieve, and a slut live together as roomates in a house in Miami Flordia. Starring Bea Arthur, Betty White, Rue McClanahan, and Estelle Getty.

Oh Blanche, you will always known as The Slutty One to the world. I wonder if the actress, Rue McClanahan, gets stopped on the street today - she is 75 years old - and people say "Oh I loved you - you were such a slut!" She must be so satisfied with how her career turned out.

Like I said before, this is hands down the best TV show theme song I can think of. Can we think of any others that even come remotely close? The Fresh Prince of Bel Air is all I got...and that's light years behind the sweet, sweet Golden Girls. Now who wants cheesecake?

Copenhagen, Denmark - Favorite Pic

Martin's 95-year-old great aunt, let me repeat that - ninety five years of age - decided she wanted to take me and Martin's mom to Copenhagen for the weekend. Ladies weekend, woot woot! And she wanted to drive the 6 hours each way it takes to get there (side note: the 95 year old wasn't the one driving).

Free trip to Copenhagen, you say? Count me in. Ninety-five year old woman who speaks zero English that I can only communicate with in Norwegian, you say? Oy...that's a little scarier.

But I am proud to report that I "am awesome" and "speak really good Norwegian" and the weekend went off without me swearing off the Norwegian language forever. Good confidence booster, too! :)

Take a look at this beautiful harbor pic. If you ever have to decide between visiting Oslo and visiting Copenhagen, for the love of God do yourself a favor and get thyself to Denmark!

USA - Favorite Pic

Whenever I go somewhere I deem awesome I will add my single favorite picture here, with a little explanation of why it rules.

Here we go for my Easter business trip/vacation to Grand Forks, ND, USA. My trip included many a journey around ND and MN, and this particular pic was taken in my favorite hotel ever - the C'Mon Inn in Fargo, ND, USA.

2 things I want you to know about me: I love my cousin (closest thing to a bro I will ever get) and I love State Fairs, particularly North Dakota's, the only one I've ever been to. And increasingly I love the game Apples to Apples. And I love the hot tubs at C'Mon Inn and the Asti my family drinks out of plastic cups there. So this picture pretty much sums up all the best things in the world. Stuff I love.

Naughty Girl

Not surprisingly by the name of this blog I found myself still at work at 5:30 p.m....exactly when my Norwegian class starts on Monday nights. I took it upon myself to declare it, uhh, a vacation day and went straight home.

I thought "if I'm already naughty by taking an (uhh...) vacation day from class why not add to the deviance and eat something totally unhealthy, totally heart stopping - totally American - for dinner"? And this is what I came up with:

Kraft mac & cheese! Kraft mac & cheese! Kraft mac & cheese! In my opinion totally worth the early grave it will surely put me in. The color is blinding! Gotta love it.

It's nothing short of a miracle (or testament to my terrible memory) that I haven't yet eaten a bag since I've been back over the past 2 weeks. Note I say "bag", not box. Here is a clever tidbit of advice given to me by my boss, who has been subsisting on Norwegian variety with an American pallet for the past 2 decades: save your luggage weight and space by smuggling only the cheese packet. The macaroni is easily and cheaply available in Norway.

A huge bag of macaroni cost me 13 kroner (under $2) and didn't cost me so much as an ounce or inch of luggage allowance. The cheese packets were removed from full boxes of mac & cheese and left in the U.S. (Sara: enjoy). Just add a 1/4 cup of butter and 1/4 cup of milk (I think, I guessed those were the right amounts but wound up dumping about 1/4 of the butter I added). I have 11 servings left before my next American goods smuggling trip in July! Can they all be eaten by then?! Absolutely not...what kind of hog do you think I am?

Here is a shot of all my precious, precious loot:

That's a lot 'o mac & cheese [packets]!

As a believer in irony I should mention I sat down to eat this meal in front of the tube (of course) and Oprah was hosting overweight teens. Like, super overweight teens. Like, age 16 and weighs 375 pounds overweight. Yikes! So in their honor, and the sake of seeing my 50th birthday, I gladly trashed 1/4 (if not a little more) of the finished product. The other 3/4 was dumped...straight into my belly!

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Thank You for Being a Friend, Bea

I woke up to sad news today. Bea Arthur has died. :(

To put this mildly: Bea Arthur kicked ass. I know her mostly from her fine, fine work on The Golden Girls but she had a career long before I was even born.

How I do not own the boxed sets of Golden Girls yet I do not know. But I will one day for sure! In honor of Mrs. Dorothy (Petrillo) Zbornak Hollingsworth I present to you what I consider to be, without a doubt, the best opening credits song of any show, ever:

The world will always love you, Pussycat.

The Giver

'Tis better to give than receive, isn't that how the saying goes? I have discovered something hidden deep inside me. Something terrifying. Something I'm scared to even admit. I'm as surprised as anyone: I really enjoy buying/wrapping baby gifts. And (if I may say so) I am good at it. Yikes!

Exhibit A:

Baby bottle tower. The paper is all that was available to me, so this could've been better than it turned out to be. But I still like it. This is 6 individually wrapped baby bottles, taped together to form a tower (or using a little imagination, a cake).

Exhibit B (full frontal view):

Gift card set. 3 envelopes: 1 for "mama bear", 1 for "papa bear" and 1 for "baby bear", a.k.a. big 'ol question mark (sex of baby unknown). These are tied together at the upper left hand corner with the orange ribbon but spread out for your viewing pleasure. Mama Bear's envelope contains a gift card to Victoria's Secret, Baby Bear's contains a gift card to Gymboree and Papa Bear's has a gift card to Happy Harry's, booze warehouse extraordinaire.

Here's the back view:

I have to get some props for my creativity so my name is in CAPS. Along with some straight-from-Dora-activity-book stickers. Don't you just love it?!

I did not actively seek (but totally wanted) to win title of "most creative gift" for Exhibit B and I did, according to Mr. & Mrs. Bear. Hooray for me!

An etiquette note: The bottles in Exhibit A came from the registry. The gift cards in Exhibit B I know are useful. I wouldn't dream of giving unnecessary/unusable/off-registry items. I am trying not to piss off the gift gods, lest I be stuck with hand crouched oven mitts or awkward religious wall hangings one day in the future.

I'm looking for a little ego stroking here. These are cute, no?

Monday, April 20, 2009

Memory Lane Monday #7

Excuse the 2-week MLM absence. I've been in the U.S. so bugger off, as the Brits say. More on this related topic later.

So 10 years ago today Columbine happened. It's unfortunate that I say that word and you know exactly what I mean. I remember exactly where I was when I heard, and I remember watching the TV coverage of it. And being the selfish little prick that I am I can't help but think, "my God, it was ten years ago that I was a sophomore in high school". So to lighten the mood I took a gander at the Billboard Hot 100 to see what tickles my fancy from that terrible day, a whole decade ago, and I came up with this:

"...Baby One More Time" by Britney Spears

Oh, yes, the irony of it all. Ten years ago I hated this song and I hated this girl. But I shan't tell a lie in my old age; the tune is catchy!

I also get a smile at the days of yore when Brit-Brit (as I've come to call her) was fit and trim the old fashioned way: Through back breaking workouts forced upon her by overzealous parents. Even though people say today she's "back" (which I do not believe for a second) we all know that girl is a jar of mayonnaise and a missed lipo appointment from going back to the trailer park where she's been residing this past half decade.

But back in 1999 she was fresh and 16 and just oozing with that jail bait je ne se qua. Note the subtle but meaningful boobie shake at 0:53. You can almost see American youth culture instantaneously crumble into nothingness, gone and lost forever. Thanks, Brit-Brit!

As I reflect on what I have done with myself since April 20, 1999 (hint: some pretty baller stuff) ask yourselves this: How was I, a mere mortal, able to resist the Snoop Dog classic "Smoke Weed Everyday" as my MLM? The world is a cruel place. We may never know.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Memory Lane Monday #6

I am nothing if not a sucker for nostalgia. With 11 hours until I get on the airport bus and 15 hours until departure to my fave homeland I present to you:

Born in the USA by Bruce Springsteen

Last weeks MLM was irritating, nobody can deny that, but am I the only American who thinks this song is about 6 minutes too long? On and on and on, the same thing over and over. Especially when he's letting the audience sing the chorus! Alright, Bruce, you're American. We get it. Now STFU. Do I have to give up my passport now that I've said that?

And am I the only one who thinks performing this song in East Berlin is like baking the worlds largest pie in a Sudanese refugee camp? And then not letting them eat it? It's like "Hey, oppressed people, let me rub in your faces how free I am and how great my democratic homeland is. Enjoy your stale bread crust rations while I drone on and on and on about where I was born. Freedom, freedom, freedom." Come on, Bruce, show some respect.

To sum it all up I, like Bruce, was born in the USA. I am ever so happy to be heading back for a visit these next 2 weeks! I just need Mother Nature to take a look at my karmic record and treat me appropriately. I need to get where I'm going on schedule! Please, please, pleeeeeease, Mama Nature!

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Strayed From the Flock

My last few blog posts have been Debbie Downers so let's liven things up with this tasty image:, use and abuse it as much as I am!

And yes, I know I'm going straight to hell. But that's cool, that's where all my friends will be!

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Fargo/Moorhead SOS

Anybody reading this who can actually help will no doubt know this by now, but: If you are anywhere near Fargo, ND or Moorhead, MN get thyself there immediately and help fight the impending flood. It's blizzarding now, which can only make matters worse. And keeping people from getting there to help. BOO, Mother Nature you evil biz-natch!

I'm dying to help in any way I can. If you have any ideas about how I can help from a huge distance let me know! I'll be there in 2 weeks; hopefully there won't be much damage to be cleaned up!

P.S. Check out the national news coverage ND is getting:



I will never cease to get a kick out of seeing North Dakota in the national news. Never!

I didn't realize Bismarck was getting it so bad. I'm rooting for them, too, I just have zero emotional attachment to the place since I've been there I think a total of 4 times in my life. To sum it all up:

I love you, ND! To quote a wise man, "Don't you go dyin' on me!"

Monday, March 23, 2009

Memory Lane Monday #5

This is the most nerve-grinding, nails-on-a-chalkboard annoying MLM to date but I feel it's necessary:

Le Freak by Chic

Why? Why in God's name you might ask I choose such a crap-tacular song for my one precious weekly song? It's for the same reason anybody in America does anything, really. Because I've got a political soapbox to get on and holler from!

Background story on this song. Several years ago, I'd guess about 5, my baby sister Jenna and I were shopping at the Old Navy in Fargo when this song came on. You might be asking yourself what we classy ladies were doing at Old freaking Navy but I must remind you I was 21 (give or take) at the time and Jenna was pretty much a zygote.

Anyways, this song came on and we could have swore that the song says "Awww....FREAK OUT....something something....say shit". To which we replied "How can one say 'say shit' at Old Navy?!" But after looking up the lyrics (yes, to this day I still kind of thought they said 'say shit' but knew it could not be so) they in fact say "Awww....FREAK OUT....Le Freak...C'est Chic" as if that makes a damn bit of sense. I don't speak freaky deaky French.

Now: My afformentioned political soapbox. The same little sister who was but a sperm fertilized egg half a decade ago (hyperbole, much?) is now all grown up, and driving pickup trucks like the good little cowgirl she is. And today she crashed that pickup truck, and rolled it two times. And she was wearing her seatbelt. Ergo, the worst she got was 4 stitches in her lip.

In 2004, the most recent year in which my lazy self could find statistics, there were 42,636 road deaths in the USA. Care to guess how many of those were because of non-use of seatbelts? I have no idea. I'm not going to look that up. But my barely-educated guess would be A Shit Load.

So the moral of the story here is wear your seatbelt. You'd be absolutely stupid not to. It seems like every single week I read an article in the newspaper about somebody under 30 (under 25 or 20 even) who is killed in a car crash. And the writers, bless their souls, go to great lengths to say ominously "he was not wearing a seatbelt". And yet people still don't learn! It blows the mind.

Bottom line: Wear your seatbelt = live. Don't wear your seatbelt = die. It's your choice. I'm glad my little sis, at just shy of 20, made the choice to live. I knew I didn't change those diapers for nothing! Love ya, squaw baby.

Afterthought: It would have been totes appropriate to have Joe Diffie's fabulous tune Pickup Man as my MLM #5 song, especially since Jenna's the biggest country bumpkin I know, but I thought I would annoy the crap out of you all with this say shit song. I could only make it through half. Anybody who makes it start to finish deserves a medal!

Afterthought #2: I was writing "will post pic of pickup when I get it" and wham, James sent it along. Feast your eyes on this next time you say "meh, I don't need to wear my seatbelt":

I'd say 4 stitches is a pretty small price to pay for taking a dirt bath in this big red beaut.

Seatbelts save lives! And I'm out.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Lost: Reward if Found

I don't know if I've ever been so mad at myself. I lost my favorite jacket ever. No, not lost, just "temporarily misplaced". I have this strange feeling that one day it's going to come back to me . And I'm going to feel like a jackass for misplacing it for so long, in a location I cannot recall.

This is the only known picture of said jacket, and it's not the best shot of it:

The pic: So classy it kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

I loved that jacket. I (ahem, Martin) bought it last spring when I didn't have my visa so we had only one income and we were so poor we could barely afford to freaking eat much less buy a spring jacket. But we got me the jacket (and scarf, also shown, which I equally love. I'd die if that disappeared, too) and it made me really, really happy. And now it's gone. Sad face. :(

With my upcoming USA trip I needed a decent, dark jacket so I had to go buy another one. Same price, loved half as much. Boo! Here's similar to what I got (not exact):

I got it in black but you can see the detail better on this color. Additionally, my old one was a navy blue color, so much preferred over black but I figured since this is Round 2 I better go for function over style. My old one made me look super slim and this one makes me look hippy, which is the one thing I am not.

I realize it's petty and ridiculous to bitch and moan over a lost jacket but that jacket was the first decent thing I got in a really, really long time after moving here. It made me feel like an actual grown-up human being who doesn't have to get married just for the rice. Bottom line: That jacket made me happy during a super shitty time. And I want her (she's no longer an it) back!

If you see my beloved misplaced baby you bring her back home to me. Like I said I know she's going to come back to me one day, I just hope it's not 50 pounds from now (she's pretty snug the way it is). $20 (100 kr) reward to whoever brings my baby back home!

Monday, March 16, 2009

Memory Lane Monday #4

Beware, folks, this one is a creepy one. Growing up in BF Nowhere, ND we did not have MTV until I was gone off to college. We did, however, have VH1 and trust me when I say VH1 never showed anything like this:

"Jeremy" by Pearl Jam

The first time I laid eyes on this video was in about 6th grade (1994/1995). VH1 was no doubt spinning the Billy Joel "In the Middle of the Night" video for the 10th time that day when Casy brought over a VHS tape of - hold your breath - 6 hours of taped MTV music videos! Do you have any idea what kind of excitement that produces in a 12 year old, MTV-less small town girl?! Her brother lived in a far off, magical land (Grand Forks, I believe it was) and had graciously gave her a tape recording MTV for all to enjoy.

Boy am I glad he did. I did a lot of growing up the day I saw this video.

I distinctly remember seeing the gun at the end on our tape. A gun! This clearly was a pre-Columbine world. I'll bet this video is nowhere near the airwaves today, even in a heavily edited form. And I didn't realize (spoiler alert) until Casy's mom mentioned that Jeremy killed himself at the end, not his classmates. Had she not said that to this day I'd still be thinking he killed them, not himself. Am I the only one who made that mistake?

I also loved this video because Jeremy reminded me of the love of my life at the time, Brad Renfro:

That is, before he turned into a total crackhead and OD'd or fell off a bridge or whatever classy form of crackhead death he chose.

So I hope I have effectively scared the pants off of you with Eddie Vedder's demonic, vein-bulging look. And reminded you not to pick on the quiet kid with a crappy home life. The consequences, as we have learned since more innocent times when this video came out, could be dire!

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Selleck Love

Some might say finding a man older than your father sexy is creepy. Especially when that man isn't Sean Connery. Well let me take you on a pleasant trip down moustache memory lane:

I present to you Tom Selleck. Tell me that isn't sexy! He makes that 'stache work. I can think of no other man on earth who can rock it so well.

Here are a few fun Tom Selleck facts: he was originally supposed to play Indiana Jones (yay) and he endorsed McCain this past election (boo). He's a big NRA supporter (no feelings either way on that one) and was born January 29, 1945. Yes, folks, Tom Selleck was born during World War II. Damn that's old! For me to consider him sexy, I mean. If anybody is keeping track: He is 15 months older than my dad. Little bit creepy, no?

My attraction to this man, I can only assume, dates back to 1987 and his fine performance in the fabulous film 3 Men and a Baby. Man that movie kicked ass. And that little baby was really cute. Then the 1990 sequel 3 Men and a Little Lady. Ted Danson, Steve Guttenberg, Tom Selleck. What's not to love?!

Then he was later on Friends as Monica's much older, former-childhood-dentist-turned-love-interest. Again, sexy as all get out. I take that as validation that I'm not the only one who A) is young enough to be his daughter yet B) would totally make out with him.

In closing, it is impossible for me to shorten his name to anything less than "Tom Selleck". He commands such respect! And it is impossible for me to look at him and not think, "Daaaamn!" Does that make me sick?

Monday, March 9, 2009

Memory Lane Monday #3

It's that time of week again, folks. I present to you what I think to be my favorite song by this group:

"Mad Season" by Matchbox 20

Matchbox 20 is probably my favorite current/living band. And by saying "current" you can see how hideously out of date my music tastes really are. I prefer show tunes and a mismash of random artists, so sue me. But I heart Matchbox 20! And all their songs are good so it's hard to choose.

I also like this video. First, because Rob Thomas is H-O-T. Second, because at about 2:30 the cops and crowd start fight dancing. Choreographed fight dancing, people! If there's one thing in this whole world that I want is for my life to be more like a musical and people randomly burst out into song and dance. Love that about this video! And lastly there's a cute/quirky ending, that you don't see coming. Even if you don't like the song (I don't remember it getting as huge as their other songs) stick around for a satisfying ending.

Another anecdote from my wild 'n crazy past: I saw these guys in concert at the FargoDome shortly after graduating high school in 2001. I went with a bunch of random friends (Casy, Delani & Sara) who had nothing in common except me. And it was a grand old time.

Better than the concert was watching people walk from the staircase that connected the mezzanine to the floor. It was all lit with lightbulbs but the top bulb was burned out so you couldn't tell if there was a stair to get onto the platform or if it was flat. So people would come waltzing through, then fumble/stumble/trip onto the platform because they couldn't see the ground. It's hard to explain in writing but trust me - it was better than an entire episode of people wiping out on AFV and that alone was totally worth the ticket price!

Friday, March 6, 2009

Friday News Night

Look what my dad is ever so generous to send me!

8 Walhalla Mountaineers! Hooray for small town newspapers! I have literally tens of minutes of entertainment ahead of me with these. It's quite an effective gossip rag. I devour each of them like a package of Twizzlers (which I recently did, in public. It was not pretty).

One gripe: In the subscription section it says that international shipping is $55 per year. Would I (*ahem* my dad *ahem*) pay $55 for 52 copies of this paper every year? Oh hells yes. But when my dad goes to order they say no, in fact it cannot be shipped abroad because there's not enough overseas people who order it and make a bulk shipping rate possible. Boo! Then why is it listed as an option?!

So JimBo sends me 4 at a time in a manila envelope, at great expense to himself ($4-6), for which I am forever thankful.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Memory Lane Monday #2

Before I unveil my second superfab blast from the past music video I have to ask: Is it possible to trade in my American citizenship and Norwegian residency to live in Sweden for just one day? Despite their dreadfully silly language (tack sö mycket - I mean what is that?!) they have the best. music. ever. Case in point:

"Joyride" by Roxette

I have several important points to bring up:

1. If I ever have a female child she will be named Roxette.

2. Sweden, God bless 'em, has given us, in chronological order:
Ace of Base

Seriously, where do I go to defect?!

3. What is up with their hair?! Granted it was the early 90's but I want to know how she (Marie Fredriksson) had a super stylish 'do channeling Agyness Deyn:

Yet he (Per Gessle) looks like freaking Linda Richmond from Coffee Talk:

But I am not here to play Jan Thomas (American refrence: Jonathan Antin). I am here to offer you absolutely kick ass music from Sweden.

Though this song came out in 1991 it will forever remind me of the 2001 North Dakota Class B boys basketball tournmanet in Minot, ND. It is, was, and always will be the best weekend ever spent in ND in my entire life. We're #1! We're #1! In your face, Evan Lindahl.