Sunday, May 17, 2009

Eurovision Song Contest

Here's a tasty little tidbit that Americans are seriously getting shafted by missing: The Eurovision Song Contest. Country vs. country going head to head via song and dance. Loving it!

Last night was the finale, and up until then I was a Eurovision virgin. And I must be a good luck charm, because last night Norway won (woot woot)! You know when you're a kid (oh hell, to this day even) when your state makes it into the top 10 at the Miss America pagent? Well, Eurovision feels kind of like that. Except the people voting for the winner aren't washed up pseudo celebrities, they are your competition (the other countries)!

In honor of my new yearly ritual, I will count the top 4 best and worst songs in the finale. There were 25 total. And picking 5 of each wasy far too much work for my sloth self. Let's start with best (starting at numero uno):

#1 Norway

Yes, I'm biased. But myself and every other country in Europe (plus a few random ones in the Middle East) cannot be wrong. Alexander Rybak is adorable! And he can play the fiddle! Winner winner chicken dinner.

#2 Malta

Can anybody even tell me where Malta freaking is? Because I have no idea. But homegirl can sing! And homegirl has got meat on her bones, which is refreshing to see. She's got such a voice, and this song totally could be on the next Disney soundtrack. Do they even do that anymore what with Pixar taking over the world?

#3 Iceland

Again, I'm biased. I have Icelandic heritage and I feel so bad for the Icelandic people and their toilet-esque economy. Also the winner of the contest gets to host next years competition, and I know Iceland could use every tourist nickle they can get. But this girl can sing and picked a beautiful song. I vote her and Alexander Rybak get together and make beautiful Nordic babies. Hot hot hot!

#4 Estonia

I think rule #1 of Eurovision is to, as I say on an almost daily basis, speak freaking English. Yes, you've got a nifty language of your very own and you're proud of it. But 98.9% of the world can't understand a word you say! And I think that's what screwed poor Estonia. This song is haunting yet funky and seriously cool...but it's in Estonian. Raise your hand if you understand Estonian. Exactly.

We've seen the good, now let's move on to the bad and the ugly all rolled up into one. I realize Eurovision is a celebration of Euro-camp and flamboyant show off-ery but my God, people, have some dignity. These songs would make me ashamed to live in your country! Maybe even visit. I might cross these off my list of places to go before I die, just to punish them for making me listen to their craptacular music. In order from 4th suckiest to 1st suckiest we start with:

#4 Romania

No, sister, you like to suck like nobody. Repetative, silly Tinkerbell costumes, all around terrible. And thanks for the repeated near crotch flashes. More on those later.

#3 Greece

So I knew Greece doesn't always have the highest standards but umm, what is up with this guy?! The song itself could be worse, it's really a non-entity for me, but I think we have found the first male nip slip in the history of nudity. I want to know where Greece found this over-Botoxed, tanning-bed-living-in freak. He's icky.

#2 Turkey

Warning: This is not PG rated. There is near cooter shots every other second on this one. Not to mention the "tuk tuk tuk" pelvis thrusts. Correct me if I'm wrong but many women in Turkey wear traditional Muslim coverings, right? I'm as liberal as they come and this makes me blush. I bet this video was banned as porn in half the countries of the world. If not they should ban it for sucking.

#1 Finland

I can only sum this song up with a loud and clear "WTF". Apparently old Finnish white dude needs to be told that the Eminem look can't be pulled off by...old Finnish white dudes. There are burning garbage cans, there are 1980's hookers, there are flaming batons. Everything about this song is an absolute, vomit inducing, smeared-on-the-walls disaster.

So there you have the best and worst of Eurovision 2009. Since Norway won this year (we're #1! we're #1! we're #1!) we get to host it next year. And I will do anything to get my hands on tickets to the finale!

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