Friday, February 17, 2012

27 Hours to Kill

The upcoming flight to Australia is, to put it mildly, a long one. Twice as long as I've ever flown before.


And by flight I mean three flights (2 hours 10 minutes + 12 hours + 8 hours 10 minutes and that's not counting layovers). So I've gotten busy gathering shows and movies on iTunes, the totally legal entertainment downloading system that I pay for. Yes...iTunes, I'll go with that explanation.

Here is a glimpse of the super amazing, sometimes embarrassing, often woefully outdated entertainment that I plan to enjoy while rubbing my ass back to life after it fell asleep. wake it from sleeping, I'll go with that explanation.

Will & Grace
Easy, easy, easily my favorite show of all time. Mainly because of Jack and Karen and the hilarity that they bring to the table, but uptight Will and harpy Grace will always have a special place in my heart.

That is...unless stupid sucky Leo is on screen ruining the entire show. In the words of the great Karen Walker, "He's dull, he's ugly and he don't make me laugh". Truer words have never been spoken! Leo ruined Will & Grace.

I don't find Harry Connick, Jr. unattractive but I loathe him on a personal level for taking my favorite show, the most hilarious awesome show of all time, and making it straight up suck. His character was clearly forced by the writers, having no chemistry with Grace and throwing off the mood and charm of the entire show. Usually this means I am forced to spend my Will & Grace energies on the first 4 seasons before Suckface McSuckerton shows up, but I will be feasting on season 7 during my travels, conveniently when Grace & Leo were divorced because he cheated on her which, eventually, Grace is totally cool with.

What the ever loving HELL?!?!?! Worst. Character. EVER!

There are precious few topics I am more passionate about than Leo's stupid appearance ruining Will & Grace. I could be fighting for human rights, or social justice, or environmental protection but nope, I use the fire that burns within me to bitch about a shitty character on a TV show that ended half a decade ago. If you hadn't guessed already, this planet is doomed. So let's move on to the next tasty morsel of entertainment.

Sex & the City
I purposely am using this old, grainy picture of the S&TC girls because I'm a sucker for nostalgia. I will be watching season 4, which aired in 2001/2002 which - holy shit - was a decade ago.

In this season Carrie is on-again-off-again with Aiden, whom I also have beef with for creating the Aiden (and general Hayden/Jayden/Schmlayden) baby naming craze of the early 00's. Painfully annoying, yes, but not enough to make me loathe the individual portraying the character (may you burn in hell, Harry Connick, Jr.).

Sam begins her relationship with Richard Wright, Charlotte's marriage to Trey MacViagara spirals down the toilet and Miranda gets knocked up by a bar keep. While the rest of America was busy giving their children ridiculous names life went on all hunky dory for the girls - until tragedy struck eight short years later.

That tragedy, of course, being that steaming pile of a movie they came out with to wring an extra buck out of the franchise. Kindly note that I am referring to the first movie here, not the second. I didn't even bother watching the sequel to the sequel for fear of permanent brain damage.

In the desperately-seeking-profit world of Sex & the City World Charlotte magically becomes fertile after years of infertility (which I predicted the second the movie was announced, *yawn*) and Miranda gets cheated on by the bar keep who knocked her up. Naturally, she was totally cool with this.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, what the ever loving HELL?!?!?!

At that point my brain shut off from what was happening on the screen, erased the previous 2 hours and the four girls will forever live in my mind as they did at the end of the glorious, magnificent, perfect series finale. Shitty movies? What shitty movies?

Groundhog Day
Should I be embarrassed to admit that I've never seen this movie? It's got quite a cult following and it was recently the sacred holiday of Groundhogs Day so I figured, why not? I'll be stuck in a metal tube for over a day so why not catch up on some classics that I missed.

I could write a book on the number of classics I have missed, as you will see.

Four Weddings & a Funeral (never seen) was on TV the other week, which got me thinking, what in the hell happened to Andie MacDowell's career? Let this be a lesson, Katherine-Reese-Jennifer-Sarah Jessica. The second that hot body of yours slips is the second the casting agents stop knocking on your door. Enjoy being insufferable on screen while you can, as it won't last forever.

How have I never seen Armageddon?! I don't know, especially when the name practically guarantees that I will love it. If the world is ending on film, there is no doubt I will enjoy watching it on screen. Bonus points for hoards of terrified citizens running in a single direction down the street.

Ahh, 1998. President Clinton was getting a little on the side, the Europeans devised this crazy currency called the €uro and the world was introduced to the greatest technological advancement of all time (bar none), Windows 98. Meanwhile, I was too busy wallowing in teenage angst to get to a cinema and see the freaking blockbuster of the year. I shall remedy this soon.

And last but not least we have:

Air Crash Investigation
I am told this show is called Mayday in the US. Semantics aside, it is a show about um, air crashes. And their investigations. And it is amazing.

"Watching a show about air crashes while on an airplane - why that's insanity!" you might be saying to yourself. But you know what? Because of that show I am 110% unafraid to fly. Every single crash, nay, every single "incident", regardless of how minor, receives YEARS of mind numbingly intense study and results in industry-wide changes to prevent future bad things from happening. Every incident improves the safety of air transport so by my calculations, in another 50 years the entire industry should be accident proof (I say that in jest, but for reals, it's super safe).

Plus, with my hardcore studying of Air Crash Investigation-slash-Mayday episodes I know the best ways to survive a plane crash. So if I ever happen to go down you damn well better believe my ass is going to survive. I bet you can't say that.

+1 for me, +1 for survival.

Don't think for one second I wouldn't crawl over your scorched corpse en route to my nearest exit, taking note that it may be behind me.

The above programming is, I'm sure, a solid 27 hours worth of entertainment but rest assured I have plenty more than that loaded up and ready to go. Shout out to the Airbus A380 for having electricity plug-ins at each seat, which makes all this entertainment possible.

I'd like to send an additional shout out to booze and pills which, when all else fails, will sedate me for 9,576 miles of travel.

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