Friday, December 23, 2011

Norsk Mat - Norwegian Food part deux - totally nasty edition

Being a gigantic fatass I love/will eat just about anything (barring pickles, mustard or American mayo). However, a few Norwegian culinary creations should not be consumed by anybody, ever. Because they are F'ing disgusting and can barely be classified as food. Case in point:

Dish 1: Beef tartare

Raw hamburger meat, topped with a raw egg, and pickles, sweet baby Jesus pickles! It's almost too heinous to comprehend. As I've mentioned before, I'm told that salmonella doesn't exist in Norway so eating raw eggs is no problem. That's awesome for raw cookie dough eating, but really unnecessary for anything else. Raw eggs are not food. They're aborted chickens. Why would you eat that?!

Eating raw hamburger meat just beggars belief. In less than 10 minutes you could whip that up into a lovely taco or sloppy joe. And yet you eat it raw. You disgust me.

Because there is obviously a benevolent god out there I was offered the most delish frozen pizza ever as a meal while the rest of the family "enjoyed" this dish. I tried a teeny tiny mouthful of raw beef and while it didn't taste like much, on principal alone I deemed this Never to be Consumed by Me Again. Eew.

Dish 2: Rakfisk

Fisk in Norwegian means fish (duh) and rak is an old Norse word for soft. "Soft fish" doesn't sound so bad, does it? Except that it really means fermented, raw fish.

Rakfisk is almost as spreadable as butter and smells like a ten-year-old corpse. It is not, by my personal account, food at all but rather a dish so rotten that zombies wouldn't even touch it with a ten foot pole.

In this picture it is shown next to chopped leek, which is served with the heinous fish and plenty of sour cream in a lefse. If you grew up in the Midwest I reckon you know what a lefse is. If not, there's always Wiki to show you the light.

I had a bite of this fish, with sour cream, in the proportion of 1:10. As much as I love sour cream, never again. It tastes like it smells: like death incarnate. That is some Walking Dead shit that does not belong in my mouth.

Dish 3: Lutefisk

As you can see from this photo, this "food" didn't even make it into the house. I was surprised demand is high enough to carry it in mainstream grocery stores. I'd categorize lutefisk as something you should know about if you grew up in the Midwest. Knowing what it tastes like, however, is a whole different ballgame.

Lutefisk is some type of fisk (who cares which) that has been soaked in lye. Lye being "a corrosive alkaline substance" - which will burn the skin straight off you if you touch it. In other words, it's poison.

So poissons + poison = food in Norway.

I had one bite of lutefisk in my youth, but it was so drown in butter that it almost tasted pleasing. But if I wanted to eat poison I'd just go back to America and have my pick of the litter.

I'm getting queasy so that's where I'll end. Looks like it's only Ginger Ale and saltines for me for the rest of the day.

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